Category Archives: innocent bystanders

repost: dharmaholic — friends and lovers pt 2

The five “action” points in Mike’s following blog post are at once provocative and so chewy they’re almost grisly… but in a good way. Lots to ponder in each point, but one I kept being drawn back to was an insight the Australian Buddhist seemed to casually ponder as an afterthought:

There is work for me to do around grief and trauma and Dad and Mum but it has to lead me to think more broadly about the consequences of relationships of all types. Sometimes we never get to say goodbye.

A significant part of my own healing was being called home to care for my 90-year-old cancer-ridden father for several weeks before he died back in 2007. Even though much of the profound turmoil between us ended  well before Joy and I moved far away from them back in 1989, I had always carried the unspoken burden of unspoken, unresolved issues going back to my teens.

As you have likely guessed, Dad died without my having the long-sought luxury of leveling the playing field I imagined we had been on all those years. It was 1:30 a.m. in the middle of a warm San Diego September night. I was drinking yet another beer, holding his hand while patiently sitting next to the hospice bed he had been inhabiting for weeks on end. And he just… quietly slipped away. With a very tranquil look on his face. I sat there for 10 minutes still holding his hand, looking at him resting peacefully, and finally said, “Well, Dad. That is so like you to beat last call.”

It was on the flight back to Indy that God nudged me to let me know my healing was in caring for my father; my healing was in feeding and bathing and cleaning up after him, keeping him comfortable and simply being present to him. It was God’s place to level my anticipated playing field. That became a much more profound truth for me in 2010 when I sobered up in A.A.

Anyway, read the second of three installments from dharmaholic. The first one is here.

repost: process not an event – our 19th wedding anniversary

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Today I celebrate 19 years of being married to Emma. Over those we had many adventures that have taken us literally across the world. Over that period too we both changed our careers, lived into new possibilities, all with the mutual support of each other. The “sickness and health” aspect of our wedding vows seems to loom […]

via Our 19th Wedding Anniversary — Process Not An Event

repost: my life and other sordid tales

Special thanks to Indianapolis blogger Christopher M Turner for this thought-provoking fable from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation: The Fox and the Stork.

serenity-prayer280

One evening the fox invited his friend the stork to dinner. For a joke, the fox prepared soup and served it in a shallow dish. The fox could easily lap up the soup. But the stork, with its long bill, went hungry. The fox gave the stork a sly grin and said, “I am so sorry. It seems as if the soup is not to your liking.”

“There is no need to apologize,” the stork replied. “I would like to repay your hospitality and invite you to dinner tomorrow night.”

The next evening, the stork served the fox a meal in a long-necked jar with a narrow mouth. The stork could easily reach into the jar and eat, but the fox could not and went hungry. “I will not apologize for the dinner,” the stork said. “because one bad turn deserves another.” After that, the fox and the stork were no longer friends.

The Moral of the story: Revenge may be sweet, but the damage it does cannot be repaired.

No matter how wronged you may feel by the words or actions of another, remember that revenge, retaliation, and harboring resentment serve no useful purpose.

I will let go of past resentments and consider no one to be my enemy.

You are reading from the book:

Morning Light

by Amy E. Dean © 2011 Hazelden Foundation

via Nov. 29, 2018 – Readings in Recovery: Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation — My life and other sordid tales

repost: if you need me, i’ll be hiding in my bathroom

Excellent post from Jami at Sober Grace. Coming up on five years clean and sober and well into digging through stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with drugs and alcohol, this post is gently and clearly articulating thoughts that have always remained tangled for me .

Sober Grace

This photo is a reenactment of an actual event. This photo is a reenactment of an actual event.

It’s the middle of the day on a weekday, I don’t remember why it was that I wasn’t at work and my husband was, but for some reason I was home alone.  Well, I was alone except for my dogs.  I was doing normal things that I would do on a day off, laundry and cleaning and such.  As I remember, I was in a good mood, nothing weighing on me or worrying me; nothing bad or upsetting had happened recently to put me on edge.  We have a small patio outside our front door with a tall wood fence going around it and a gate that I always lock from the inside when I’m home.  The slats of the fence are too close together to see through, either in or out.  I was inside doing my thing and I heard…

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dv awareness: sticks and stones and words hurt

The labels were brutal for me. They were what I took into my heart when I was young and changed the way I viewed myself long before the abuse began. And it was more difficult to overcome the emotional damage than it was the physical damage.

The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel

So many of us have been raised with the false words of the famous rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you.” This is so untrue. Words hurt more than most people realize and inflict wounds on the souls of many from youth to adults…

Sticks and stones…
may break your bones…

but words won’t hurt you…
has NEVER been true.

FOR many words spoken…
can make you broken…

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