fitfatfood on the oddity of emotional highs and lows:
I’m writing this post because at moments during my drinking and depression I thought I’d never feel “normal.” That I’d been born this way. That there was a fundamental disparity between the bubbly, confident person I could sometimes be and the cowering soul that shook alone in bed, lurching through the depths of a hangover in despair.
For me, drinking was often about maximising happiness. I’d get excited, and want to either temper or exaggerate that feeling. But the natural consequence of alcohol for me was that happy high was soon followed by a deep depression.
I cannot stress enough how my alcoholism is/was tied up in mood. I never understood this fully until I stopped. Alcohol did not adversely effect my behaviour. I didn’t get teary, fighty or particularly sad whilst drinking. But my mood in the days afterwards would plummet. I didn’t think I could have an alcohol problem if I didn’t behave badly. But I unequivocally do.
I saw doctors for depression, anxiety and an eating disorder, but never worked out the role alcohol played in this painful puzzle. I’d feel ok for a few days, then drink again and plunge back into desperation.
Now I’m sober, I haven’t ONCE felt those lows again…
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