caramel apples are disgusting

I used to be able to do this stuff when I was drinking. Now that I’m sober, caramel apples are quite revolting. The harsh reality is they always have been. I could just never see the truth of the matter through my own alcoholic haze. I think this is what we call “counting the cost” when we give up drinking.

Correct me if I’m wrong.

It officially became fall earlier this week, which means it has officially become the time of year where we must all vociferously express our disdain for all the popular food items, flavors, and fragrances of autumn. We’ve all been exposed to our share of pumpkin spice screeds, but that’s so 2013. This year, we must turn our attention to a more hostile scourge that’s been wreaking havoc under the radar for decades: the caramel apple.

Pure evil. Pure evil.

Think it'll look like that when you peel the wrapper off? Think it’ll look like that when you peel the wrapper off?

The most common caramel apple – other than the ones ambitious Pinterest moms undertake in a moment of pure delusion during which they convince themselves that unwrapping 50 caramel candies and getting the molten proceeds to stick to a Granny Smith “won’t be that hard” – is the Affy Tapple (see what they did there?). According to Affy Tapple’s website,

The first…

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About greg w

I believe chocolate in virtually any configuration is the finest dessert in the history of mankind. I believe my wife is the sexiest woman in the world. I believe modern capitalism will never be replaced by a different -- or better -- form of economics. I believe in clutch hitting in baseball. I believe the Kimber 1911 .45 ACP is the finest handgun ever made in America. I believe the Mossberg Flex 500 pump-action 12 gauge shotgun is the best home defense ever made in America. I believe Tom Waits is the best song writer of my generation. I believe unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. As CS Lewis once beautifully wrote, I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. I believe that, on balance, Christianity has done more good for humans than bad. I believe it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant. And I believe if I yell at the TV during a Colts game, they will play better.

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