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I used to be able to do this stuff when I was drinking. Now that I’m sober, caramel apples are quite revolting. The harsh reality is they always have been. I could just never see the truth of the matter through my own alcoholic haze. I think this is what we call “counting the cost” when we give up drinking.

Correct me if I’m wrong.

It officially became fall earlier this week, which means it has officially become the time of year where we must all vociferously express our disdain for all the popular food items, flavors, and fragrances of autumn. We’ve all been exposed to our share of pumpkin spice screeds, but that’s so 2013. This year, we must turn our attention to a more hostile scourge that’s been wreaking havoc under the radar for decades: the caramel apple.

Pure evil. Pure evil.

Think it'll look like that when you peel the wrapper off? Think it’ll look like that when you peel the wrapper off?

The most common caramel apple – other than the ones ambitious Pinterest moms undertake in a moment of pure delusion during which they convince themselves that unwrapping 50 caramel candies and getting the molten proceeds to stick to a Granny Smith “won’t be that hard” – is the Affy Tapple (see what they did there?). According to Affy Tapple’s website,

The first…

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