Sometimes I think we forget to breathe in and breathe out in recovery. I love this passage from ainsobriety: I fell into a deep depression in early sobriety. To get through those days I wrote myself a note. It said – You are enough. Just as you are.
I can’t remember when I started being hard on myself, but it is safe to say it was long ago. I had high expectations. I was often successful, but never seemed to quite measure up to my insane personal ideals.
And so I was always disappointed in myself.
This negative internal dialogue was difficult. It caused me extreme anxiety. Along the way I found that a few drinks would shut that damn voice up. And it did, for a while.
Eventually it just got louder. And some time in the last few years I knew that the drinking was causing the voice, but I just didn’t know how to stop it. And I could not handle listening to the voice. So I drank more, spiraling deeper and deeper into self-loathing and depression.
So I kept trying to fix myself. To prove things were ok. Maybe a thinner me would be…
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